Top Ten Westerns of All Time

There's gonna be enough bushy mustaches to kill a man at thirty yards.

1. The Wild Bunch
The only movie that I can watch Ernest Borgnine in without laughing. To be fair, he did a great job in this movie, but he always just reminds me of someone's uncle who's had too many amaretto sours and tries to touch someone at the high school cheerleader's car wash. But I digress… The Wild Bunch is one of the most ass-kicking movies of all time. Done.

2. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
And so the Eastwood begins. And it's gonna flow like water my friends, cause the man with no name series was awesome. You could put any three of the movies on here, but like the uncreative chump I am, I'm gonna go with the one that everyone else thinks is the best.

3. Unforgiven
Even older Eastwood still scares the crap out of us. Had Clint Eastwood been born 100 years earlier, he would have been exactly the man he plays on screen. He would have killed his enemies with mind bullets of pure awesomeness and heavy metal.

4. The Magnificent Seven
So many great actors playing so many great characters. Yes, I know its just a rip off of the The Seven Samurai, but I love that movie too. Plus, I kind of have a man-crush on Steve McQueen in this movie. And Steve McQueen in Bullit. And in The Great Escape, and Sand Pebbles… hmm… that's not good.

5. Pale Rider
More Clint. He's even hardcore when he plays a man of god. Personally, I think that this is one of the most overlooked westerns, but who cares what I think.

6. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
After this and The Sting, Newman and Redford should have been legally obligated to appear in at least one movie together every other year. I know I'm getting a little off topic, but whatever, its my blog. If you want focus, write your own fucking blog.

7. High Noon
A movie about a man that takes no crap from no one. Not a band of bad guys, not the town folk. Shit, he even kills like 5 dudes between the time he marries his wife and the time that he has sex with her for the first time. That's hardcore.

8. Tombstone
Other than Willow, the best thing Val Kilmer has ever done. I would say that he makes this movie, but Russell and Paxton do a damn fine job at holding up their ends too. And of course Sam Elliott rocks our buttholes again. He always does.

9. The Searchers
John Wayne is coming in a little low on the list, but I felt it was necessary for him to make an appearance. I know he isn't the easiest actor to watch, partly because, well, he's terrible. But he did a good job in this movie, and it is without a doubt a Top Ten western.

10. Open Range
Yes, Kevin Costner! Bask in the glow of Costner! I know some people are gonna question this one being in the Top Ten, but that just means they haven't seen it. If they did, they would agree, because I'm right about this. It wails.

Barely missing the cut: Once Upon A Time in the West, Jeremiah Johnson, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Red River, How the West Was Won, Silverado. I've heard that some people would consider No Country for Old Men a western. I don't since its not set in the correct time period. But if I did, it would probably be Top Ten or close.

Post Script: Blazing Saddles is too cool for school.

Post, Post Script: Had Lonesome Dove not been a made for TV miniseries, I would have put that mother right up at No. 1. It rocks and should be required reading and watching for every citizen of our country.